The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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