omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
