dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
zippers are such a cool invention
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sober January is a disaster.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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