I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
