Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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