And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
