Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
