Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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