Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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