would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
