it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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