maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Even my vagina gasped.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
