Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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