I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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