his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
