WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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