So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
