Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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