There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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