i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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