Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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