Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
