You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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