The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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