I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What a dumb baby whore.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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