Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize