Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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