Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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