I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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