Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
