my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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