a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
