I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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