Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
