Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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