we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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