If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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