Cold hands, warm shart.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize