She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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