My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
