my being single is dangerous.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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