Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
