so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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