I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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