I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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