I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
