the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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