im drinking this country out of the recession.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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