i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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