so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize