i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
