Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
