I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
