So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
