Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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