So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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