Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
