yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
