Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
