what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
