and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
