3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
