No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
