Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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