I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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