She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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